Army of Darkness

Sounds

First few bars of the opening score

Ash: My name is Ash. And I am a slave.

Ash: Close as I can figure it, the year is 1300 AD, and I’m being dragged to my death. It wasn’t always like this. I had a real life, once.

Ash: Shop smart, shop S-Mart! *corny giggle*

Ash: Necronomicon Ex Mortis: the book of the dead

Ash: It got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist.

Ash: It came back. Big time.

Ash: For God’s sake, how do you stop it?

Ash: *yells as he’s slammed around in the interdemensional vortex to an orchestral score*

Ash: Where…in…the..hell…

Ash: I wasn’t looking for no trouble

Soldier (Stabbing Ash’s car): What a piece of armor this is!

Ash: I Say: to the pit with him!

Duke Henry: I am Henry the Red, Duke of Shale, lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Ash: Well, hellooo Mister Fancypants! I’ve got news for you, pal, you ain’t leading but two things right now: jack and shit. And jack left town…

Ash: Well hello, Mister Fancy Pants!

Ash: I’ve got news for you, pal, you ain’t leading but two things right now: jack and shit. And jack left town…

Ash: I…I never even saw these assholes before!

Ash: You know, your shoelace is untied…

Ash: I don’t like being…sucker punched!

Ash: Get the gum out of your ears and listen up!

Ash: See this? This…is my BOOMSTICK. It’s a twelve gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line.

Ash: See This? This…is my BOOMSTICK.

Ash: All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up!

Ash: That’s right: shop smart, shop S-Mart.

Ash: Who wants some? Who’s next, huh? How about it? Who wants some? Huh? Who wants to have a little?

Ash: You want a little?

Ash: First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. (Spits) Blow.

Witch: You shall never obtain the Necronomicon!

Ash: It’s a trick, get an axe.

Ash: Yo, she-witch. *Cocks Gun* Let’s go.

Ash: Yo, she-bitch. *Cocks Gun* Let’s go.

Ash: H’yah!
*mechanical whirring*
Ash: Groovy

Ash: Groovy

Ash: s’the matter, raised in a barn? Shut the door. *Mumbling under his breath* probably was raised in a barn with all the other primitives…

Ash: Don’t touch that, please! Your primitive intellect wouldn’t understand alloys and compositions and things with…molecular structure and the…

Ash: Gimmie some sugar, baby

Ash: *flatly*: Klaatu Verata Nickto.

Ash: I got it, I got it! I know your damn words all right?

Ash: *screams as he’s catapulted into a mud puddle*

Ash: How about some hot chocolate, huh? *mocking cackle*

Ash: How’d you like the taste of that, eh?

Ash: Mmm, what a horrible nightmare. Wait a minute. Oh God. I can’t move!

Ash: Oops

Ash (to the tiny ashes): Oh, you little bastards!

Ash: *singing*: London bridge is falling down! Falling down! Falling downnnn!
*steps on a nail*
Tiny Ashes: My fair lady! HAH!

Bad Ash: ooh! I’m blind, I’m blind!

Bad Ash: You sound like a jerk!

Bad Ash: I’m bad Ash! And you’re good Ash! You’re a goody little two shoes! Goody little two shoes, goody little two shoes! *giggles*
*Sound of a gun cocking*
Bad Ash: *hollers*
*Thudding*

Bad Ash: I’m bad Ash! And you’re good Ash! You’re a goody little two shoes! Goody little two shoes, goody little two shoes! *giggles*

Ash: Good. Bad. I’m the guy with the gun.

Ash: Hey, uh, what’s that you’ve got on your face?
Bad Ash: Huh? *SPUTTERS as Ash tosses dirt on his face*

Ash: That’ll teach ya!

Ash: “Hold it – nobody said anything about three books…”

Ash: Woah. Wrong book…

Ash: Get back to you…

Ash: *Theatrically*: Klaatu….Verata…Ni*HACKING COUGH*

Ash: Woah. Wait a minute. The words. Say the words
*takes a deep breath*
Ash: *Theatrically*: Klaatu Verata…..
*pause as he realizes he doesn’t remember the last word*
Ash: Necktie, nectre, nickel….noodle. It’s an n word. It’s definitely an ‘n’ word. It’s DEFINITELY an ‘n’ word.
*pausing*
Ash: *Theatrically*: Klaatu….Verata…Ni*HACKING COUGH*
*Distant rumble*
Ash: Okay then!

Ash: *deep-voiced* Okay then! That’s it!

Ash: keep your damn filthy bones out of my mouth

Bad Ash: I…live….AGAIN

Wiseman John: Something’s wrong, something’s amiss!

Ash: So you just leave it be.

Wiseman John: When you removed the Necronomicon from the cradle, did you speak the words?
Ash: Yeah…basically…

Ash: Whoah woah woah, right there Spinach Chin

Ash: Well, that’s just what we call pillow talk, baby. That’s all!

Sheila: What of all the sweet words that you spoke in private?
Ash: Aww, well that’s just what we call pillow talk, baby

Bad Ash: Give me some sugar, baby

Ash: “Go head run, run to mama”

Arthur: Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?
Ash: Nope. Just me, baby. Just me.

Ash: Nope. Just me, baby. Just me…

Evil Sheila: I may be bad, but I feel…good.

Ash: We can take these Deadites, we can take ‘em! With science!

Ash: Maybe, just maybe my boys can stop them from getting the book. Yeah, and maybe I’m Chinese jet pilot.

Ash: Yeahhhhh baby!

Ash: Oh, that’s gotta hurt!

Bad Ash: Oh, you miserable bags of bones! Pick yourselves up and sally fah! Sally fath! Sally forth!

Ash: Keep your sardine can on!

Ash: Say hello to the 21st century! Ye-HAH!

Ash: Bye-bye!
*Shoots Deadite, which squawks in pain*

Deadite soldier: I’ll cut yer gizzard out!

Ash: Come to Papa!

Evil Sheila: You found me beautiful once.
Ash: Honey, you got real ugly.

Bad Ash: The Book Is Mine!

Bad Ash: I’ve got a bone to pick with you!

Ash: Buckle up, bonehead, ‘cause you’re going for a ride!

Skeletons: Retreat! Retreat!
Skeleton: Let’s get the hell out of here! Ahhh!

Anthony the Stockboy: Did you say the words right this time?
Ash: Well, maybe I didn’t say every single tiny little syllable no, but basically I said ‘em, yeah. Basically…

Ash: Look, maybe I didn’t say every single tiny little syllable no, but basically I said ‘em, yeah.

Ash: Lady, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave the store.
Deadite Shopper: Who the hell are you?!
Ash: Name’s Ash. *Cocks Gun*. Housewares.

Ash: Name’s Ash. *Cocks Gun*. Housewares.

S-Mart Deadite: I’ll swallow your soul!
Ash: Come get some!

Ash: Come get some!

Ash (Monologuing): Sure I could’ve stayed in the past. Could’ve even been king. But in my own way, I am king.
Ash (Aloud): Hail to the king, baby

Ash: Hail to the King, Baby